Read the featured article by Jeanette Towne

Understanding Domestic Violence

• Definition and Characteristics of Domestic Violence

  Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.

  Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate, hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.

  Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.

  You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:

  • Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you.
  • Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive.
  • Tries to isolate you from family or friends.
  • Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with.
  • Does not want you to work.
  • Controls finances or refuses to share money.
  • Punishes you by withholding affection.
  • Expects you to ask permission.
  • Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets.
  • Humiliates you in any way.

   

  You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever:

  • Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.).
  • Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you.
  • Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place.
  • Scared you by driving recklessly.
  • Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you.
  • Forced you to leave your home.
  • Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving.
  • Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention.
  • Hurt your children.
  • Used physical force in sexual situations.

   

  From the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline
  https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/

Jeanette's Thoughts on Moving Past Domestic Violence

• The Art of Getting Unlost in Relationships

  If you've spent any time driving, you've gotten lost before. It happens. In the old days, the cause might have been an outdated map. Today, likely causes range from having too many gadgets distracting us from the task at hand or maybe a broken GPS unit (yes, our over-reliance on technology can leave us without the ability to do basic things...like know how to read a map).

  The point is, getting lost is not a tragedy in itself. But there's no honor in staying lost. The time to turn the car around is the first opportunity you have once you become convinced that you're heading the wrong direction.

  Christians call this change in direction repentance. Parents redirecting a child who's misbehaving call it a positive correction. And a lost motorist might call this shift doing a 180.

  Whatever you call it, recognize the steps to getting to a better place:

  Be honest with yourself. When you lie to yourself, you fool no one. If you believe that you are in the wrong place (which might be a job, a relationship or a life direction), admit it to yourself.

  Stop where you are. When you're lost, what sense does it make to speed up? You're already lost! Going faster in the wrong direction will just take you that much further from the point you need to turn around.

  Evaluate your options. Resist the urge to cut across the grass strip between the two sides of the highway! Rarely do we find ourselves in a position where one option only is available to us. List as many options as you can.

  Seek a trusted advisor. A proverb states that without guidance, we fall; but in an abundance of counselors there is safety. Have and use advisors you trust to help you evaluate where you find yourself and to help you brainstorm the best solution.

  Move it. Initially, you need to pull over. But once you've come to the conclusion that the direction in which you are heading is leading you nowhere or, worse, somewhere dangerous or damaging, it's time to put your feet in motion and move. Change directions away from the wrong-way signs.

  There's no shame in getting lost. It happens to all of us. But there are no honors awarded for being lost and choosing to stay there.

  In what way are you lost today? What tips do you have for changing directions?

• “Thinslicing” to See Someone’s Core

  Thin-slicing is a psychological concept that describes how we can predict patterns in events after only a short experience, a thin slice or a narrow window of observation.

  Malcolm Gladwell brought this concept into general understanding in his excellent book, Blink. Picture a pie in front of you. You cut a thin slice of that pie, and then you take a bite. You taste a buttery crust, sugar, cinnamon, apple, and more crust. It's an apple pie. You know that it's an apple pie from the top of its buttery crust to the cinnamon-sugar apple fruit filling to the bottom buttery crust. While you may wish to do so, it's not necessary to eat the entire pie to determine that Yes! That was most certainly an apple pie! You knew that after a very thin slice, a tiny bite.

  Likewise in a relationship, you don't have to spend months or even days with someone to know if they are a decent person or not. How can you know if the guy you are seeing it really a good person? Some call it listening to your heart. Others refer to it as a gut instinct. And psychologists call it thin-slicing.

  Don't be confused by the words gut or heart. Your mind forms your observations and your assessments, not your gut, not your heart. With yours eye, ears and mind, evaluate the everyday interactions that you see:

  • How does he treat loved ones? Does he show honor and respect to parents, children and other family members?
  • How does he treat women? Does he give women respect as equals, neither treating woman as eye candy or assuming that a woman in the office is a secretary and not the president?
  • How does he treat those "beneath" him like a janitor, food server, coat-check clerk or grocery store check-out worker?

   

  What does your thin-slice tell you? If he mistreats any of these, will you be able to take it when he treats you the same way...only 10x worse? Listen to your gut, pay heed to your eyes, ears and mind. Move on. This is not Prince Charming. And this person may very well treat you poorly.

  However,...

  • If he speaks lovingly of his parents and is kind to children...
  • If he looks women in the eye and treats them like a whole person instead of body or a role...
  • If he shows politeness and courtesy to those who don't have much to offer him back...

   

  ...then he might be worth your time and your attention.

  How do you tell if the “apple pie” is consistent all the way through, when it comes to relationships?

• Is He a “Magic Man?” Or Not?

  Cold, late night so long ago
  When I was not so strong, you know,
  A pretty man came to me,
  Never seen eyes so blue...

  "Magic Man" by Ann and Nancy Wilson (Heart)
  © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

  Have you ever met someone who made your heart skip a beat because he or she seemed so perfect for you? It happens all the time. I outlined in my book how I met and became swept off my feet by someone who offered me all of the happiness of the world.

  Why do we believe those individuals who seem too good to be true? Are we idiots? Are we naive? Does love have to be blind?

  I think we fall for the too-good-too-be-true story for a couple of reasons. Sometimes, we just want to believe the lies we've been told. We hold on to the fairytale even when evidence to the contrary mounts up against our hopes because we feel a nearly pathological need to believe the best in the other person. We tell ourselves that since we are not perfect, we cannot expect perfection of another.

  On the surface, this rationale makes logical sense. However, not all imperfections carry the same consequence. If you ignore the traffic laws imploring you to wear your seatbelt, you will get a ticket if you get pulled over. And if you get into an accident, you may be seriously injured. But if you ignore the law against robbing a bank, you very well may be arrested and throw in prison, or possibly even shot for your imperfection.

  Don't let your awareness of your own shortcomings make you blind to the longfallings of the other--especially when those imperfections are dangerous, illegal or harmful to another person.

  At other times, we might have some doubts and even seek counsel. But we still get sucked into the power of infatuation. This happened to me...sort of. I introduced to the man who captured my heart in my youth--and eventually stole my freedom for years--to my parents. Immediately, my mother had grave concerns about my choice in a boyfriend, and she expressed her concerns to me. But I was 19-years old. What could a middle-aged woman possibly know about matters of the heart? I knew better than my mom, I thought.

  So what went wrong? What went wrong is that I lied to myself. I didn't really want my parent's counsel. I wanted their approval. I wanted them to love the man that I loved as much as I did.

  Don't let your heart bully your mind, and don't let your heart tell you that you are smarter than a collection of your best, most objective advisors, friends, and family members. For years, I wished that I had heeded my mother's warning. I would have been spared much heartache and suffering.

  It's so much easier to avoid relationship pain and heartache than to dig out of it. So use your head and not your heart only. If you're in a relationship with Mr. or Ms. Perfect, and you have any misgivings, try this:

  • Pause the relationship. Don't be pressured into deepening the relationship when you have uncertainty.
  • Pinpoint what creates your feelings of unease.
  • Talk to someone you trust. Resist the urge to find someone whose desire is to say what you want to hear; rather, find someone who has your wellbeing at the forefront of their spirit.
  • Listen. If you have misgivings, listen. Those whispers are there to keep you safe. If you talk to someone who offers words of caution, listen. A wise counselor comes around not only to pick you up once you've fallen but also to hold you and prevent you from falling.

   

  And keep this in your head as a rule for any relationship in your life: If you are offered happiness by someone who knows only lies, you will experience only misery and heartache.

  If you are having second thoughts about a relationship, who can you trust to offer you a second opinion?

• “But I Love Him ... And People Can Change”

  I talk to a lot of women who are in abusive relationships. I have no judgment towards them for staying with their abusers, because I did it too. It’s not easy to leave.

  What I do want to offer is some perspective from the outside. Well, I’m not really on the outside, because I had my own life and mental health threatened for 10 years at the hands of my ex,husband. But I am on the outside of your relationship. And so I hope that means I can see some things differently.

  First, no one deserves to be abused. Ever. If you grew up with Christian faith as I did, you might feel compelled to forgive others—which is a healthy character trait. But I do not believe that God meant for us to forgive our abusers in such a way that we permit them to continue to hurt us. After all, we are children of God, and I don’t believe that He would want us to be hurt at the hand of another, ever.

  True, we all feel anger from time to time. We all occasionally say something we regret. Our partners will do this too. It’s good to be able to recognize this, and offer forgiveness when we are issued an apology.

  The difference, however, is that abusers apologize, but they often do not repent. This means that they do not change their course, and alter their behavior. The abuse happens again, and is followed by another apology. Because you love him, you forgive. And you think he can change, because you see glimpses of it. I know, because as I’ve said, I’ve been there.

  What I want you to ask yourself is this:

  Where are you headed? If things were to continue exactly as they have been, would you be in a better spot tomorrow? When you see progress, does it stick, or do you find yourself back in the same low spots over and over again?

  God wants us to love Him first, before any man. If a man is abusing us, he is not our leader. If this is where you are, make God your husband, your father, and let Him guide you. If you do not have faith in God, at least detach yourself from the feeling that your abuser has the right to define you. Find a mentor who believes in you. If you don’t have one, be the mentor to yourself.

  You may not see it now, but the abusive cycle takes its toll on your emotional and physical health. I did not know how much energy, emotion, and esteem was being drained from me until I escaped and recovered. Now, I don’t allow abuse in my life, or in my company. I have managed to move on with a healthy partner, and become CEO of my own company. Now, from the outside, I see how much healthier I am. Can you see too that you deserve health?

  Love sometimes means standing up for yourself. Where are you in this process?

• Abuse Recovery: Like a Wet Butterfly

  Have you ever seen a butterfly with its wings all wet? They often have to find a dry spot, relax, and wait until they can fly again.

  I believe it’s similar with recovery from abuse. We still have wings, but they are weighted down with the storms. We may even have a few scrapes that need to heal.

  I’ve seen women early on in their recovery who feel the need to prove to themselves that they are unchanged. They work hard, go home, and crash. Some of this “busy-ness,” I think, is a distraction from facing the pain. Some of it may be healthy, if it helps you rebuild a life. But I want to say this: It’s okay to give yourself permission to dry off, to heal, to wait until your wings are ready to flap again.

  Counselors will tell you that you will regain the connections in your brain that may have been lost during your abuse. Don’t fear that you have lost your personality, or your abilities, if they were there before. But, you have been through a war. You need to be tender with yourself as you recover. Here are a few tips that helped me:

  1) Surround yourself with people who care about you, and share your values. This isn’t the time to be whooping it up in the bars. Find one or two friends who believe in you, and relish their words.

  2) Allow yourself grief. It’s normal to cry and have mood swings. Know that they will pass, and it’s okay to feel these things.

  3) Read whatever you can to help you recover. Sometimes it helps to read about the abusive personality, during those times when you get sucked back into thinking that it was really your fault.

  4) Rest, exercise, and eat well. Your body is the temple which houses your spirit and mind. Taking care of it will help optimize your thoughts and feelings.

  5) Move on. As you can, take action in ways that will help you practically move on. Maybe this means signing up for a course at a local college, or joining an activity group to meet new people. Maybe it means getting financial closure, or destroying old emails from your abuser. Taking action will empower you.

  What can you do today to dry your wings so that you can fly again?